The Trump era explained with Orks
by MA7
Summary: We live in a confusing time filled with confusing new terminology and situations. At times like this, sometimes an Ork is the best person to explain things.
1. Chapter 1 Fake News

The Trump era explained with Orks

We live in a confusing time filled with confusing new terminology and situations. At times like this, sometimes an Ork is the best person to explain things.

Chapter 1(Trump era)

Fake News explained by Orks.

On a body strewn battlefield, a huge mob of Orks boys stand bloody but victorious, surrounded by dead and wounded human soldiers and blown up tanks. The battle has soundly defeated the humans, and the only survivor is a captured disarmed commissar, standing defiantly surrounded on all sides by the mob of Orks.

The commissar clears his throat and speaks.

Commissar: You may have won this battle Ork filth, but just as the current Chapter Master of the Nova Marines Chapter said as he held aloft the severed head of Ork Warboss Butcher Bob at the battle of Jutinini, I say (heroic) statement X.

Orks: Umm, we was at da battle of Jutinini when da boss Butcher Bob got is ead knicked off. Dat space marine chapter master git actually said (rather uninspiring) statement Y.

Commissar: Bah! Fake news! I know for a fact that he said statement X!

Orks: umm, were you there? we are all pretty sure he said statement Y.

Commissar: no I wasn't there but I have it on good authority that he said statement X.

Orks: what authority? Did da chapter master or another marine who was there tell you?

Commissar: Ben Shapiro told me! Look at this FOX news clip!

Commissar pulls out a display screen and plays a YouTube clip.

Ben Shapiro on YouTube: I wasn't at the battle but I firmly believe statement X is true, we ALL know it is true, therefore statement X is true. Anyone who says that statement X isn't true is just biased fake news. (Clip ends without Ben Shapiro giving one shred of evidence to back up his claim).

Commissar: SEE! I told you!

Orks: we was all THERE ya git. We even recorded it on our shoulder cameras.

The Orks pull out screens of there own and download footage off a hundred different cameras, showing the event from 100 different angles with full audio. The films all clearly show the Chapter Master saying statement Y.

Commissar: FAKE NEWS!

Orks: it's on tape ya stupid git!

Commissar: the tapes are doctored!

Orks: you is suggesting that a bunch of us simple Orks figured out how to actually convincingly doctor a tape and then did it 100 different times just to win this stupid argument?

Commissar: Yes! George Soros PAID you to make this fake news!

Orks: who da heck is dis George Soros git ya talking about?

Commissar: You know full well who he is! You are all fake news!

Orks: you is retarded or something ya stupid human git.

Commissar: So now you resort to name calling?! So much for the tolerant left!

Orks: what da heck is ya talking about?

Commissar: the chapter master said statement X and you KNOW it's true!

A drop pod suddenly slams down to the battlefield and the chapter master of the Nova Marines steps out. He holds his sword aloft and says his heroic pre-fighting speech.

Chapter Master of the Nova Marines: Just as I said as I held aloft the severed head of Ork Warboss Butcher Bob at the battle of Jutinini, I now again say statement Y!

Brief pause.

Commissar: fake news...


	2. Chapter 2 Ford vs Kavanagh

Chapter 2(Trump era)

The Kavanagh versus Ford hearing

On an Ork planet somewhere is a large country called "the united tribes of Ork". The united tribes of Ork is composed of 2 tribes, the red tribe and the blue tribe, as well as a bunch of independent Orks who haven't really chosen any tribe and support either tribe at different times.

The red tribe and the blue tribe do not always get along, so they appoint judges to settle disputes between them in a fair and completely unbiased way, not favouring either tribe but dispassionately weighing the facts of each case.

At this very moment, a new Ork judge named Kavanagh is being interviewed for this important job. During the course of the interview process, a female Ork (just pretend that Orks have females for the sake of the story) named Ford has come forward saying that Kavanagh has done some very bad thing a long time ago.

The Orks of this country are a reasonable bunch so decide to give both Ford and Kavanagh a chance to speak about it before the Ork senate interviewing Kavanagh for the job of mature and unbiased judge.

Ford the female Ork is first to speak, and comes meekly forward to sit before the senate of Ork nobs, with 10 red tribe nobs and 9 blue tribe nobs sitting on the senate.

Ford speaks calmly and humbly, meekly explaining her recollections in great and exhaustive detail, saying what she remembered as accurately as possible and admitting everything she didn't remember. She was a model witness, concise calm and highly credible, describing in eye watering detail the experience of being almost raped by an immature arrogant self entitled drunken douche bag many years ago.

When Ford is finished speaking there is stunned silence from all sides, as Orks of all tribes are moved deeply by this powerful testimony that will live on as a defining moment in the history of the united tribes of Ork.

Ford exits the room, and Kavanagh takes his place before the senate and clears his throat to speak.

Kavanagh: ok first off I want to say that half of the people reviewing me for this job are complete gits! Orks of the blue tribe are gits and they carry on like a complete circus. I deeply resent that the gits of the blue tribe dare to question my fitness to be a completely unbiased judge between the stupid blue tribe and the awesome red tribe! Also I like beer! Now listen as I spend the next 40 minutes giving an incoherent hateful rant about how the blue tribe sucks and how I deserve this job more than anyone else in the universe...

The Orks of the blue tribe exchanged incredulous glances but humour Kavanagh the Ork as he spouts conspiracy theories about Hillary Clinton and makes a complete fool of himself. The rest of the Orks in the united tribes of Ork as well as every other country on the planet sit glued to their screens, watching in dumbfounded amazement as this bizarre speech goes on and on. They are still affected by the powerful testimony from Ford, and the contrast between the two couldn't be starker.

Kavanagh: and in closing, I am totally fit to be an unbiased judge and blue tribe Orks are a bunch of gits.

Red tribe Orks: We like dis guy, he is gonna be da best judge we ever had!

Blue tribe Orks: You can't be serious, this guy couldn't be any more obviously partisan if he was wearing a MAGA hat! Dis git is WAY too biased to be a judge!

Red tribe Orks: shut it you blue tribe gits, we has one more senator than you gits do, meaning we win da vote no matter what ya do! You blue gits can't stop us appointing Kavanagh!

Blue tribe Orks: what about Ford's testimony?

Red tribe Orks: who? Oh dat... Well, um, this whole proceeding is um, like a joke or something, we vote Kavanagh innocent, let's hurry up and get him on da court before da midterms.

Blue tribe Orks: but we need an investigation of dis!

Nob Flake of the red tribe Orks: um, well I have like, what ya call it, um, a soul, so I agree we should have an investigation.

Red tribe Orks grumble but agree.

One week later

Blue tribe Orks: ok so ya Ork FBI boys been doing vestigatin, what ya find?

Ork FBI: we found nuffin.

Blue tribe Orks: oh? So you mean that Ford couldn't tell you any details?

Ork FBI: um, we didn't talk to Ford.

Blue tribe Orks: you didn't? But she is the first person any sane investigation would start with! At least you talked to Kavanagh right?

Ork FBI: we didn't talk ta him neither...

Blue tribe Orks: what da heck?! Why not?

Ork FBI: da red tribe Ork warboss told us we weren't allowed to...

Blue tribe Orks: um, that is not right. Well what about these 40 eye witnesses who have come forward?

Ork FBI: nah, didn't talk to them neither. We talked to these 9 random gits and looked under dat rock over there. We didn't find nuffin...

Blue tribe Orks: what da heck sorta game you trying to play here red Orks, do you think we is stupid?

Red tribe Orks: stop stalling ya blue gits. Kavanagh is obviously innocent and we vote our ten votes against your nine votes and win so shut up ya gits!

Blue tribe Orks: but dat isn't fair and you know it! Dis Kavanagh guy is obviously biased as shit and the investigation is far from over! Dis isn't right!

Red tribe Orks: shut up and suck it ya blue gits! Kavanagh is now confirmed for life, go away and shut it losers!

Blue tribe Orks: We is gonna utterly destroy you in the midterms after dis...

Red tribe Orks: dats nuffin new, da moment warboss Trump became boss the red tribe was utterly screwed in the midterms, but at least we now have a biased as shit judge for the next 40 years even if we lose every election for the next 40 years after pulling dis obviously dodgy shit.

Blue tribe Orks: well played Red tribe, well played...


	3. Chapter 3 Q Anon

Chapter 3(Trump era)

The Q Anon conspiracy theory

***...

Two Ork boys of the red tribe in the united tribes of Ork were sitting in their boys hut, watching news about warboss Trump on the TV

Television: the mueller investigation has today jailed another member of the Trump inner circle for very serious crimes involving Warboss Trump, a playboy bunny, a porn star, foreign nationals, and massive amounts of illegal money. Warboss Trump has been named as an un-indicted co-conspirator in this crime and it is looking increasingly likely that he might be facing a prison sentence. In other news the stock market DOW slumped 900 points in a single day, wiping out the entire year of gains and signalling the start of a possible recession. Warboss Trump's continuing trade war with the Ork nation China has been blamed as the cause of this market crisis...

Ork boy one: hmm, dis is bad. Looks like our boss is in a lot of trouble. I hope he doesn't get impeached over dis...

Ork boy two: Have no fear, it's not as bad as it looks, it's actually not bad at all. This is all going as da boss planned all along.

Ork one: Da boss planned to be caught up in a sex scandal, criminal investigation, market crash and possibly go to jail?! Dat don't sound right to me...

Ork two: It's all just a false flag to put the deep state off guard! In actual fact da boss is just acting like he is in all dis trouble, so he can secretly work with mueller to bring down da deep state.

Ork one: umm... Wat?

Ork two: it's true! The guy we voted for isn't actually a scandal engulfed criminal, we aren't just retards for votin for him, it's all part of da PLAN!

Ork one: really?, wots da plan?

Ork two: it's all very simple. You see, da government doesn't just have da senate and congress and executive branch dat people vote for, it also has dis super secret "deep state" dat is not in any of these bodies yet somehow runs da whole show. Da deep state are evil gits who farm children that they then eat and molest in da basement of pizza restaurants, and they shot Warboss Kennedy, and sunk da titanic, made up global warming, faked da moon landing, and fooled us all into believing dat da world is round when in fact it is flat!

Ork one: (blinks incredulously)

Ork two: ya see, da deep state is run by former Warboss candidate Hillary Clinton, she is da evil mastermind, along with George Soros, the Obamas, the Bushes, da Jews and da illuminati. Together these people are running an international pedophile cannibalism ring, dat farms babies in top secret farms and uses them in satanic sacrifice sex orgies, and...

Ork one: (starts to laugh)

Ork two: wots so funny?

Ork one: nice joke, you almost had me thinking you was serious!

Ork two: I AM being serious! It's all true!

Ork one: why da heck do ya think dis is true?

Ork two: because of the information being secretly leaked by "Q".

Ork one: who is dis Q?

Ork two: Q is a group of ten people with very high government clearance who periodically release new top secret information on 4chan. Here let me show ya on da computer.

(Logs into 4chan showing anonymise users posting highly vague comments on a chat)

Ork one: um, so dis is 4chan right? Dat site where absolutely anyone can use any name they like and post anything they like without anyone knowing who they are?

Ork two: precisely! Because it's so anonymous, da Q group can safely share da information here without compromising their cover.

Ork one: um... Ya know dat Internet trolls also use 4chan a lot and would be like SUPER likely to make stuff like this up just cause it's funny to mess with gullible people?

Ork two: no, because Q is also on 8chan!

Ork one: 8chan is even worse than 4chan! Ya is being trolled ya gullible git!

Ork two: but if you study numerology and the number of exclamation points in da bosses tweets then ya will see dat da numbers match up with da Q posts!

Ork one: um, is dat even a thing?, I think you is reading WAY too much into the tweets if you is counting exclamation marks.

Ork two: well believe it or not, but the storm is coming soon, da boss will defeat the deep state, da truth will come out, and everyone will know that we were right all along to vote for him and aren't just stupid gits who got duped into voting for a criminal conman!

Television: Breaking News! Warboss Trump has now been indicted for sexually assaulting 19 women and multiple tax fraud felonies, the nation now faces a constitutional crisis and a Trump prison sentence is now almost certain. Vice-Warboss Pence is now going to be assuming leadership and Warboss Trump is expected to be impeached in the next few days...

Ork two: JUST AS PREDICTED! The deep state will never see what happened when the storm comes now!

Ork one: I think you need psychiatric help my friend...


	4. Chapter 4 the wall

Chapter 4(Trump era)

The wall

***...

Orky Gonzalez the illegal immigrant sat with multitudes of other illegal immigrants, crammed together in the seats of a commercial passenger aircraft. In his hands Orky Gonzalez held his temporary one week tourist visa, his extremely cheap ticket, and equally cheap passport, the entire ensemble costing him like 300 pesos, cheap enough for anyone but true refugees to afford.

Orky was on his way to the nation of the United tribes of Ork, to start a new life as an illegal immigrant picking strawberries and doing other such work that local citizens refused to do. The moment he landed he would collect his massive amount of luggage and disappear off the grid, overstaying his visa and never leaving.

A quick look around the aircraft showed hundreds and hundreds of Orks also holding temporary tourist visas, and this aircraft was just one of hundreds and hundreds of aircraft, all filled to bursting with eager immigrants flooding into the country.

"Oi look, it's da border wall!" An Ork shouted excitedly, pointing out the window.

Orky and the others all pressed their faces against the glass, and squinted down to see a wall far far below.

"Dat looks real nice," an Ork opined.

The other illegal immigrants all nodded in agreement, it did indeed look really nice.

"I wonder if it will keep out any immigrants?," Orky Gonzalez asked curiously.

The hundreds of other illegal immigrants on the aircraft all murmured curiously and shrugged, as the aircraft flew straight over the wall the way that aircraft do...

"Oh look, a gap in da wall!" One of the Orks shouted, pointing.

The others all peered down.

Down below, Orky saw a gap in the wall, in the middle of the nastiest, roughest, most unpleasant desert he had ever seen in his life.

"Who da heck would even walk through dat desert?! Someone might die!" Orky exclaimed in wonder.

"Yeah, a little girl died in dat desert crossing just last week, it was really bad," another Ork informed him.

"Why didn't they just get on a plane like us?," Orky Gonzalez asked horrified.

"I think they were like, starving destitute refugees fleeing for their lives or something, too poor for even a plane ticket and tourist visa," Orky was informed.

"Geez, dat really sucks. Poor kid," Orky said, feeling glum.

"How many people actually go in on foot?," Orky asked.

"Um, well I think dat 99.999 percent of illegal immigrants get on a nice safe plane with a tourist visa like us. You have to be pretty much dying or something to walk through that nasty desert, it's really dangerous and hot," a neighbouring Ork said thinking.

Orky scratched his head and said, "then why bother building a big expensive wall?, Is it to keep out drugs and crime and Ork gangs like M-S-Orkteen?"

"I is a member of M-S-Orkteen", a nearby Ork announced cheerfully.

"Me too," said approximately 50 other Orks on the aircraft.

"You all use da planes?!" Orky asked in surprise.

"Of course! Why da heck would we foot slog through dat nasty desert for days when we can just get a 30 minute plane flight for real cheep?," one of the M-S-Orkteen members laughed.

"Um, well actually dat makes a lotta sense," Orky Gonzalez admitted.

"But da wall will at least stop drugs right?," Orky suggested desperately.

"You think a concrete wall will dissuade a multi billion peso drug cartel?, You is mad! Da cartels put da drugs all hidden in da back of shipping containers and put them on da legal ships, bribe da officials to get hundreds and hundreds of tons of drugs through da ports, much less complicated than crossing dat nasty desert," one of the M-S-Orkteen Orks chuckled amused.

Orky Gonzalez scratched his head in complete confusion.

"Den why did da Boss Trump shut down da entire government to get billions and billions to build even MORE of dat wall?!" Orky asked in dismayed confusion.

"Um, cause his supporter boys are colossal racists who think we don't use planes?," another illegal immigrant Ork suggested.

"But how can they not know dat we use planes?! Every Ork on da planet uses planes! Are they stupid or something?!" Orky exclaimed incredulously.

The plane full of illegal immigrants flew on through the sky, off in the distant skies all around it were at least a hundred identical planes, all filled to bursting with immigrants and M-S-Orkteen. The passengers all thought that the border wall looked real nice as they flew over it.

***...


End file.
